During these past two years, that has changed. I met people, and we became friends. Good friends. Even more than that, for the first time, I felt I had friends who I couldn't afford to lose. I feared -and I still do- that losing them would break me.
Meawhile, they had their own struggles to go through. Some of them were physically weak and had to fight for their literal survival. Some of them had started to believe their bullies, thinking that they were worthless. For some of them, life was almost too much.
For me, I wanted to help them, because they accepted me.
So I forced myself to grow strong. I wanted to be someone to depend on, someone to share the pain with.
And maybe I did help. My friends are all strong, and I would never take take the credit of something they achieved, but today things seem better for them than what they were, and maybe I managed to help on their darkest hours, even if I didn't notice it myself.
And now it's starting to break me.
I feel like I'm losing one of my friends. I don't know why, I don't know if there's anything to do, and it's tearing me apart.
I feel I grew strong for the wrong reasons. Even if I can be there for others, I don't feel strong enough to help myself. Have I even been a friend, or just a "pillar" to support others? If so, if I break, will there be anyone to help me back up? Does thinking about these things mean I don't trust my friends enough?
If I can't do friendship right, then what the fuck am I even good for?
I can still see colors, but I don't want this to get worse.
It's scary to know my family will read this.
I think I grew too strong
I'm starting to break
